https://www.verywellmind.com/reasons-you-might-let-people-mistreat-you-friday-fix-the-verywell-mind-podcast-6452617

It's likely that almost all of us have found ourselves in a situation where we've allowed someone to treat us poorly. And maybe, you're someone who has allowed it to happen over and over again. If you allow someone to mistreat you, understanding why you do it can be the first step to creating positive change–if you in fact decide that you want to do things differently. When I'm done explaining the top seven reasons I see people allow themselves to be treated poorly, I'll talk about some of the steps you can take to address the situation. 

And just to be clear, I'm not referring to domestic violence when I talk about ideas for how to respond to mistreatment. If you are in a situation that involves domestic violence, contact the national domestic violence hotline to get assistance. Here are seven reasons you might be willing to spend time with people who treat you poorly: 

1. You think you're strong enough to tolerate mistreatment. 

It's easy to convince yourself that someone else is fragile and you're strong. You might tell yourself that you can handle their mistreatment because it doesn't bother you and speaking up or addressing their behavior might upset them. You may think you're better equipped to tolerate their mistreatment than they are to handle any boundaries you might set. You might also worry about what would happen to the other person if you stopped allowing yourself to be mistreated. I've had many people come into my therapy office saying they allow themselves to be treated badly because they know no one else would put up with someone else's behavior and that they don't want that person to be all alone.

2. You see their potential. It's frustrating when you see someone not living up to their potential. 

You know they could do so much better and accomplish so much if they really wanted to. So you keep focused on how smart, talented, or skilled they are in hopes that someday, they'll get the motivation, energy, and drive to change. Until then, you might decide it's OK to allow them to take out their frustrations on you. You might convince yourself to tolerate their mistreatment because they're likely getting better and you're looking forward to what they're going to be like down the road. 

3. You think you help them change. 

Sometimes people believe unconditional love will make someone change. You might think that you have the knowledge, patience, compassion, or time to support the other person in changing. But unconditional love isn't about tolerating abuse. Instead, it might involve setting limits with someone so you can help them regulate their emotions. But you might convince yourself that without you, the other person won't ever change. So you buckle up for a wild ride and tell yourself that with your support–and your willingness to tolerate their mistreatment–things will get better. 

4. You focus on the good and excuse the bad. 

If things were bad all the time, it'd be easy to cut the person out of your life. But there are likely good times too. The desire to see the best in people can cause you to focus solely on the positive and to minimize the negative. And when it comes to thinking about their mistreatment, you might make excuses for their behavior. It can't possibly be that the other person is mean, disrespectful or uncaring, right? Whether you're convinced your colleague had a rough childhood or you think your partner's behavior stems from a high-stress job, excuses allow the mistreatment to continue. You might make excuses for their behavior by saying things like, "They don't really mean the things they say. They just have a bad temper," or "They're not being rude, they're just going through a hard time." 

5. It feels familiar. 

If you were raised in a chaotic home and your caregivers were kind sometimes, but abusive or mean at other times, you might think this is all a normal part of love. The tumultuous ups and downs might feel familiar to you. You might assume that this is what love is supposed to feel like. I was a foster parent for several years. The kids who lived with me all had horror stories about why they couldn't live with their parents–neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence, and substance abuse issues. But every single one of them would have gone home to their parents if they could have. Despite the mistreatment, they felt loved by their caregivers in some way. They thought love was supposed to hurt sometimes. Some of them found it easier to blame themselves for what happened. They thought they must have been bad in order for their parents to abuse them. Others didn't know they were abused. They thought all kids were treated like that and since parents are supposed to love their kids, that was love must be like. The kids who were eventually adopted into other families might be able to relearn what healthy relationships look like. The kids who were able to return to their parents after their parents got help might also relearn what a loving relationship looks like. The point is, we often associate love with how we were treated when we were young. And if your parents struggled to show you healthy love, you might feel most uncomfortable recreating that later in life because mistreatment feels familiar. 

6. They confirm your beliefs about yourself. 

There's research that shows a strange thing happens when you believe you aren't good enough or when you believe you aren't lovable. You'll likely surround yourself with people who confirm those beliefs. So you might become friends with people who put you down. And you'll be more likely to date someone who treats you poorly. If you have a deep-rooted belief that you're a loser or that you're unworthy, you'll surround yourself with people who confirm your conclusions. Research also shows when you feel bad about yourself, you won't want to risk rejection. So rather than talk to people about how you're feeling, you'll be more likely to complain, sulk, or act out your feelings. That can lead to more mistreatment, which reinforces your beliefs that you don't deserve to be treated well. It's a vicious cycle that's hard to break. When you're treated poorly, you'll feel worse about yourself. And the worse you feel, the less likely you are to believe you deserve to be treated better. 

7. You are afraid of the consequences of setting boundaries.

Maybe you are afraid if you set boundaries with someone, they'll leave. And then, you'd feel lonely. Or maybe you're afraid they'll get mad and perhaps they have a bad temper and maybe they even become unsafe. You might find yourself daydreaming about what life could be like if you ended the relationship or stood up for yourself, but you might have decided that the consequences might be even worse than just tolerating it. So those are seven reasons why you might allow yourself to be mistreated–you think you're strong enough to handle mistreatment, you are looking at the other person's potential, you think you can help the person change, you focus on the good and excuse the bad, it feels familiar, and you're afraid of the consequences of setting boundaries. 

Now, let's talk about what to do next. 

The first step to creating change is to recognize that you deserve to be treated with respect. If you don't feel like you're deserving of kindness, it might be a good idea to talk to someone. If you're able to see a mental health professional, try it. If you can't get professional help, you might open up to someone–your doctor, a friend, a family member, or an online group. You don't necessarily have to cut someone out of your life because they mistreat you. Instead, you might start by establishing healthy boundaries for yourself. That may mean ending conversations when someone gets rude or it may mean speaking up and telling someone that you don't appreciate their behavior. 

Another strategy that could work is to write a kind letter to yourself. Treating yourself with kindness and self-compassion can go a long way toward expecting other people to treat you with respect. Consider whether you want to create a plan that ensures other people treat you with respect. If you know someone who could benefit from hearing this message, share it with them! Simply sharing a link to this episode could help someone feel better and grow stronger.